The Start

Life throws so many punches at you, it’s amazing because I’ve felt like I can take any punch thrown. The day the punch was thrown and I was made aware of Damian’s death was a day I’ll never forget . I keep replaying in my mind how painful it felt. It was unexplainable , I’ve never felt a hurt like it before . I truly didn’t know if I was dreaming or not. I saw tears , it was dark, my kids were watching me . All I kept thinking was “no”. My body was engulfed with every emotion possible and I needed Damian that much more . So when the initial pain sets in that’s I guess what you would call denial. Which makes all the sense in the world. I think we carry denial forever and I keep envisioning Damian walking in the door. Is strength taught? Is strength something you already possess? And can it truly be lost? Death challenges your inner workings. It’s an everyday challenge and a true test of self. Denial makes sense and its ok. I never thought of a day without Damian and so his death was even harder. I have been so used to Damian exisitng in the physical world that im still in disbelief. Its a shock phase that doesnt last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Feelings are meant to be felt , embraced and then released. People dont die. Life is full circle dont fear what we cant see and dont know.

13 comments

  1. I so wish i had faith. People who truly believe they will see their loved ones again deal with loss so much better than those of us who just muddle through each day. Make sure you have time alone to feel free to acknowledge your pain and react to it in whatever way works best for you. Hugs.

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  2. I am so very sorry for your loss. I had time to prepare and today is 15 months, and the hurt does not go away, it never can when we love so deeply, but it does take on different meaning. Every minute of every day the loss is palpable – but with muddle through and for me, my faith in knowing what is to come. Bless you.

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  3. I am so sorry to read of the loss of your boyfriend loss to murder. 😦 I think you are very brave to write about the moments you found out about his death and share them. It took me years to write about the day I found out my son died, and I have never published it.

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  4. Thank you for visiting me and following my blog. I am humbled by that, and thank you!
    And yes, all these feelings that come up after such an awful event, it IS crucial that you feel them and let them go. Stuffing them down or fearing them really does not work. It takes a while, too, which at the beginning seems unbearable but over time shows you how far you’ve come. I can now go through the date of my husband’s suicide (32 years ago!) and not get smacked down by some random painful memory. There’s a lot of food for thought in all this (where are we and they?), not to mention the more political aspects of trying to work to make ALL our communities places where people can not only expect to, but actually experience, as safe a life as is possible here on this planet of so, so many people. Take good care of yourself!

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  5. Just dropping by to say thanks for following. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain you carry, not just for yourself, but for your children. Our experience with loss is different, but I have learned that pain helps you to understand – and help comfort – other people’s pain. Please know that through your courage and honesty in writing, you are helping not just yourself, but so many others. Your strength is amazing. I’m praying for you.

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