I couldn’t breath, my airway was completely restricted. It felt like my eyes were bulging from my head. I wasn’t scared by anything that was occurring. I was using a belt and I was in the walk- in- closet in my room. At the time I wasn’t sure why I was angry or what truly led me to act. That day in particular I had an argument with my mom, I was fourteen years old. I remember the lack of fear and care I possessed at the time. I walked in that closet with a clear intention to end my life. How my mother found me ceases to amaze me. Yes! I wanted to die. That’s what we all know all to well as suicide. I dont think i truly wanted to die that day, now I do.
As I sit here holding back my tears, my tear ducts fill up, and my blood rushes through my veins as my temperature rises. I am extremely overwhelmed and frustrated.
As I recall memories of Damian , they appear so vivid and present in my mind. I remember so many details from the exact moment. I remember his smell and facial expressions and movements. The pain digs so much deeper when I recollect these memories of him. When recalling memories of him it literally takes me back to that moment.
I know research says we will feel suicidal as we grieve the lost of our loved ones. Do they truly understand what it feels like or how simple they make sucidal thoughts appear?
On the outside I must keep my composure. I have to stay strong for my kids. I have to remain strong to function in society. On the inside of my body it feels like tons of small evil monsters destroying parts of me. They use saws, hammers, nails, sledge hammers, machetes, and every and anything that could cause pain. Its like they work hard to eat away at my soul day in and day out. Constantly changing my emotional state of mind and constantly causing an unbearable internal pain.
I think about suicide everyday. The first thing I always hear” You have kids to live for”. I may have kids to live for but I am one person who’s soul inhabits one body and my pain cuts so deep that all I think about is releasing that pain. I love my children and they are the only reason I still stand to fight.
We may think about suicide everyday but I know deep down I cant leave my children but I truly have days where I feel like they will be ok.
My tears finally run. They are warm and my house feels freezing cold right now. I try to breath and redirect my thoughts as my tears fall. Its a quiet cry tonight not like my screams and gasps the other night. Its a very quite and somber sadness.
I truly miss Damian and I have a ton of pain from regret and everything else, guilt, hurt, and frustration from things left undone and unsaid.
Suicide is very hard to face. Pills, excessive drinking, hanging myself, riding off a bridge, slitting my wrists or drinking a few toxic chemicals. These are various ways to end life here in the physical realm and to be with Damian.
Everyday I am faced with thoughts of how we all can be with him and have our family again.
I fight through these thoughts with heavy tears and gasps of air, fits of anger and loud shouts. I have to fight through this moment and keep letting it out. I will fight through this until I can regain my strength.
Like Incubus said in one of my favorite songs “Drive”
” Whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there, with open arms and open eyes”.
I have to realize that when times are low like this that I am transforming. I lost a part of my soul and I’m on an enlightened new path to achieve so much. I have to remember to fight and give it all I have now that Damian is gone . I am throwing it all on the line for our children and their future. I am their mother and I know what is best for them and how to build what we wanted for our children. Damian is watching and still supporting along the way and I know it.
Hold on to what saves us. What saves me is Damian and his strength, his voice and his triumphs. Our children save me.
I’ve learned what helps me overcome my thoughts. There will always be triggers that ignite these painful emotions. We have to avoid things that you know are “Triggers”. Drinking alcohol was something I had to stop completley and now I drink only occasionally. Drinking causes my pain to feel increasingly worse.
Create or put a plan in place that allows you to redirect your thoughts. Get a piece of paper and right down happy thoughts, postive things about yourself, future goals. Revert to the list when these thoughts come.
Always have a friend or family member you can call. Call someone most of the time they can be a voice of reason and an ear to overcome the feelings you’re experiencing.
Always remember to keep harmful things out of sight or out of the home completley. Keep your environment safe from yourself.
We may have these thoughts but they dont control us and we dont have to respond to them. Fight. I fight often and will continue.
Life is an obstacle within itself. You never know what is behind curtain number three untill you choose to pull it back. Keep striving forward . Our paths are unique journeys of self discovery that build an immense amount of strengh within us.
I will teach my children how to be strong and I will teach myself as well. I will embrace my feelings because they are meant to be felt and I will strive to accomplish my goals, dreams and aspirations and conquer Damian’s as well. I loved him deeply . He will live on as long as I keep my strength to fight.
Keep yours. We all have something to fight for.